Episode 76: How Do I Support Big Emotions in My Child With ADHD Without Losing It?
Host: Sharon Collon
If you are a parent of a child with ADHD, chances are you've experienced a this moment. Your child explodes. It seems to come out of nowhere. One minute things are fine. And then the next minute they're yelling, slamming doors and, or melting into a puddle of tears. And you're standing there thinking, what the hell just happened? But even more than that, you could be thinking, how do I support them without losing it myself? Because let's be honest.
When big emotions hit your child, they don't just affect them. They take over the whole household. Today, we are talking about why emotional regulation is harder for kids with ADHD. What might actually be sitting underneath those big reactions and one simple strategy you can use in the moment to help your child regulate without it turning into a power struggle. And if you've ever felt like you are walking on eggshells around your child's emotions,
This episode is for you. Have you ever had this happen? Your child comes home from school and you might ask a completely standard question like, how was your day? And suddenly, boom, your child snaps. They yell, they stomp, they say something hurtful and you're left standing there wondering what, what the hell just happened? But here's what I want you to know. Big emotions in children with ADHD are really about the moment you are actually seeing.
They're about something sitting underneath the surface. And sometimes that thing has been building all day. Here's a quote I want you to remember. Big emotions are often small worries that didn't have the words to come out earlier. Our kids with ADHD often feel things intensely. Our humans with ADHD feel things intensely. They feel joy intensely. They feel rejection intensely. They feel shame intensely.
But they don't always have the communication skills or emotional awareness or processing time. Sometimes these things just take a little bit of time to explain what is going on for them. So what comes out instead? Anger, frustration, explosions, but underneath those reactions is usually something very different. Worry, confusion, embarrassment, fear of getting something wrong or the pressure they've been holding all day at school. Emotional regulation is an executive function skill and executive function skills develop later in children with ADHD. And you know, I've got to say here that a lot of adults with, with ADHD, lot of adults without ADHD do not have strong executive function skills regarding emotional regulation.
So why are we putting so much stress on our kids to get this one perfect when adults haven't even got a name, right? So we need to have very, very strong executive function support for that child that means something to them. We need to have those strategies on offer on hand so we can help support our kids to navigate emotional regulation. Really, really tricky.
for us, especially if we do not have the strong emotional regulation skills ourselves. So, which means your child isn't choosing to struggle with regulation. is executive function skills that they are developing. Their brain is still learning how to do it. That's why discipline doesn't solve emotional meltdowns. Because when a child is dysregulated, the thinking part of their brain is temporarily offline. The gate is closed. And this is where parents get stuck.
Because we try and reason or negotiate or we explain, or we try and correct the behavior, but none of those things work when the nervous system is in fight or flight. The brain needs regulation first. Then it might be able to do some problem solving. So I want to share with you a really simple strategy. And I love scripts. I need scripts, right? Because I can tell you right now that if my child is yelling mean things at me.
I'm going to become dysregulated and I'm not going to know what to do in the heat of the moment. So I have groups practiced in my head. And one of my things that I love supporting families to have is their go-to scripts. So you don't have to re think that and reinvent the whole wheel every single time. Cause we know emotional regulation is a really common friction point for most families. It is actually the number one thing that my clients talk about. Let's talk about this strategy. It's very simple. Name, validate, regulate. feel like I could make a song about that, you know, like kind of like a slip slop slap kind of song from the early nineties. Anyway, I'm going to leave that open. If someone feels like they can do that, make a song out of it for us all please and post it into the big support group on Facebook. Name, validate, regulate. When big emotions hit, we need a simple script. One that works even when you're exhausted. Because if you're waiting, for the day that somehow you're miraculously zen-like or like you're super regulated or you're not tired or work isn't intense or you've got a full cup or whatever, you'll be waiting. Right? So we need to have strategies that play out and work consistently when we are exhausted. The strategy I teach families is name, validate, regulate. Let's break it down. Not in song version yet. number one, name, help your child. put words to the feeling because often they don't actually know what they're feeling yet. So their body is having a big, fast reaction, but they're not quite sure what's underneath it. So you might say something that is quite neutral. So you might say, Hey, it looks like you're feeling frustrated right now. Remember, we don't want to throw shame. So we're just going to go for something that's nice and neutral or something feels really big for you right now. You're not trying to analyze the situation. You're simply helping their brain identify the emotion.
And naming the emotion actually helps calm the brain. If your child doesn't respond, you don't need to worry. You don't need to keep going. It's just a sign that they are a little bit further along in dysregulation. And sometimes the best thing you can say is nothing. Okay. So you're just naming that it's hard that they're going through something big. Then number two, validate. This is the part that most parents skip. I think this is the part that we all need to practice.
As a person who lives with a chronic disease and chronic pain, I have found this so much in my life. If you talk to someone about it, they instantly want to jump to problem solving. It is human nature to want to get people out of discomfort as fast as possible. But I can tell you as an adult, that is so invalidating. Like I can say to someone, my back is really sore today with serratus carthritis. And they'll be like, have you tried yoga? Have you? there's this new diet. They're like, it's amazing.
Podcast Engineers (07:00.585)
It's so invalidating. so you can imagine for our kids that don't understand what is going on for them with their big feelings and, you know, and fast brains that when we come in to try to solve the problem straight away or negotiate, it just makes them feel so frustrated and not heard. And so we need to not skip validation. So validation doesn't mean agreeing with the behavior that's going on. That behavior might be big, right?
It means acknowledging their feeling about the behavior. So you might say something like, that makes sense. I can see why this would feel really hard. Or you might say that sounds frustrating. When kids feel understood, their nervous system begins to settle because connection is regulating. Number three, regulate. Only once your child begins to calm, can you move towards regulation. So remember if your child is completely in high
a high level meltdown, sometimes the best thing you can do is nothing. Like we might need to wait it out. You can try these scripts, wait it out and then say these things a little bit later on down the track when it's come down a couple of notches. Supporting them to regulate might look like sitting next to them, offering them a hug if they like hugs, getting a cold drink of water, taking a few breaths together, stepping outside for fresh air. Remember change the environment.
The goal is not to fix the problem. The goal is to help their nervous system come back online a little bit. Because once that nervous system comes back a little bit, that's when a conversation might be possible. It might not also be possible at that time. And that's okay. Just jot a little note on your phone, always circle back. I should probably do podcast episode about how I organize the notes in my phone. I've just thought about that because I tend to keep track of everything so I can come back around to it. Very cool little, little side hack.
So the mindset shift I want to leave you with today is your child is having big emotions. They are struggling with developing its emotional regulation executive function. They're not giving you a hard time. They're having a hard time. And the fastest way through those moments is connection. It doesn't need to be done perfectly. If emotional regulation is something that feels big for your family right now, if it's something that you're navigating, I've created something to help.
It's a free guide called five ways to navigate emotional regulation with our power struggles. I'm going to put a link to it in the show notes and also on the freebies page of the functionalfamily.com. Inside, I walk you through five simple strategies to help you respond to big emotions in a way that supports your child's nervous system and protects your connection. You can download that link in the show notes because when we understand what's really happening underneath your child's behavior.
everything starts to feel a little bit more manageable. Parenting a child with ADHD is not about eliminating big emotions. It's about helping your child build the skills to move through them. And every time you show up with calm and connection, you are literally helping build your child's regulation skills. You are getting reps on the board one moment at a time. And I bet you're doing better than you think.
I want to leave you with one last line for today. Emotional regulation isn't something we demand from children. Remember, most adults don't have this nailed yet, right? So we can't demand that off our little people yet. It's something that we teach them with the right support. So when I want to demand it, consider it a skill that is taught.
And once we support them to have those emotional regulation skills, that is a beautiful skill that they can carry through life. Make sure you jump into the show notes and get that free resource to support your family with emotional regulation. I'll see you next time. Thanks for listening to the ADHD families podcast. My mission is to help you build a family life that isn't just managed, but truly joyful. If you're with me on that mission, please share this episode to help us reach more parents.
Don't forget to subscribe and leave a review. It's a small act that makes a massive impact. And it also makes me do a little happy dance. For more support and strategies, find us over at thefunctionalfamily.com. I am in your corner. See you next time.
