Episode 83 - Why Kids with ADHD Swear (And What to Actually Do About It)
Podcast Host: Sharon Collon
If your child with ADHD has ever dropped the F bomb at the important family dinner, in front of your mother in law, or in the school pickup line, this one is for you. Let's chat about swearing. It is something that is super common and people bring to my family coaching sessions and my group programs all the time. And I want you to know that you are not alone. A lot of our kids and
A lot of our adults swear a lot, and it can be a particularly tricky and sticky friction point for families. So we're going to give you a quick roadmap out of swearing. We're going to talk about why it happens and then also give you some practical strategies. Now, before we get started, I just wanted to do a quick intro. If you are new to this podcast, my name is Sharon Collon. I am a PCC credentialed ADHD.
family coach and I adore my job. This is the ADHD Families Podcast, and I am so happy that you are here. And we're breaking down all the things that are specific to navigating family life when there is an ADHD in the mix. Now before we get started on today, I just wanted to highlight that this beautiful free resource that we bring to this gorgeous community is something that I am super passionate about. It's exactly what I wished for.
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Okay, let's break it down. Why do kids with ADHD swear? I want you to know that you are not alone with this friction point. I find swearing a little bit triggering for me. I don't love it. It sounds aggressive. I really wish that it wasn't in my house, but here we are. My husband is a truck driver. He swears like it just is just fluid. My son is in a plumbing apprenticeship. He swears way too much.
And we have ourselves in a little bit of a sticky point about language. But I just want to let you know that swearing in kids with ADHD is almost always a symptom. It is not some sort of character flaw. It doesn't define who we are. It is definitely isn't about respect. They are often not swearing at us, they are just swearing at the situation. And that reframe is really important.
So let's break it down about why swearing becomes such a problem in a lot of our houses.
I also want to touch on that a lot of adults don't have this one nailed, right? Like we can't stop ourselves from swearing. Now I'm not a big swearer. I never have really been, but there have been times of my life. I was thinking about this when I was creating this podcast and writing the content for it.
There are times where I'm more likely to sweat if I haven't slept well. So if there is something bothering me, if I'm distressed about something, if my regulation isn't where it normally is, if I am a bit dysregulated, if I'm tired, if there's one of my baseline needs.
That is not being met, I have trouble not swearing. And I was thinking about that it becomes out of me when I'm a bit more vulnerable. And I think our kids are exactly the same. So we've got to look at the baseline, the slab of the house, which I'm always talking about, which is sleep, diet, exercise, time in nature. Is there one of those ones that we can slightly tweak to affect the overall regulation picture? And we're going talk about this a little bit more in this episode to
sort of soften some of those points that are a little bit more vulnerable, which makes you more likely to swear. And I'm curious if you can pop it in our big support group, the ADHD Family Village, on Facebook, you know, whether you have identified some points in your life where you swear a bit more frequently. Sometimes it can be you're just feeling a little bit awkward or perhaps you're in a group of friends that you're not feeling particularly comfortable with. Sometimes that can just
Of make it amplify situations, but it's very personal. So, number one, β for across the board for our kids with ADHD, impulsivity is the big one. So, words come out before the brain has had a chance to filter them. We know that impulsive behaviors and ADHD, it's there, right? So, ADHD affects that executive function, one aspect of executive function.
For around 89% of children with ADHD. So the filter between thought and spoken word just isn't there. So an executive function job is to think about things before they happen and to come in and go, like, hey, maybe it's not a good idea to drop F-bomb in school. But we just don't have that part of the brain developed yet. And so it can become a bit hard to filter out those swear words.
So it's not that they don't know the rule. Your child knows the rule.
I want you to know that your child knows that it's not a good idea to swear. Okay. and they already know, and they've probably been caught out with it and punished for it. And they know that it's not something that they want to do in all situations. Perhaps in social situations with their peers, they're swearing because they appear they feel like they want to be cool about it, but in a home situation.
Or in a school situation or a workplace, they already know that it's not a good idea, but something happens between that thought and the word that it just doesn't have that impulse, they just don't have that impulse control to be able to go, maybe I should not do that in this particular instance. So the rule doesn't get applied in real time.
We know it's like having a thought and the mouth has a direct line and there's just no pause button in between. And I have a lot of compassion for that because it is not something that they're controlling and it is something that they have a lot of regret out about.
So they're walking away from conversations going, β I shouldn't have said that, or I I disclose too much information there. why did I swear? You know, all of these things are related to impulsivity. Next, there's emotional dysregulation. So we know that our gorgeous humans with ADHD, they have a much more variable nervous system and they are much more prone to dysregulation.
So they experience emotions in extremes. So extreme happiness, extreme sadness, extreme boredom, extreme hyperactivity, all of the things they are experiencing in the extreme. So when big feelings hit, they hit fast and hard. And swearing is often the quickest release valve available. So it is not manipulation.
it's a child with a dysregulated nervous system reaching for the first word that matches the intensity of what they are feeling. So we know that kids with ADHD struggle with emotional regulation. This is not rare, this is the norm. A lot of our gorgeous humans really struggle with this one. And β supporting the overall regulation can be can actually reduce swearing. And we're going to talk about that in a minute.
Okay, next. This is perhaps the most tricky one. they've heard it. So perhaps they've heard one of their friends swear, or they've heard it on the internet or whatever, and their brain locked it in. So the ADHD brains are novelty seeking. So a swear word is a little bit surprising and often it gets a reaction, and that makes it memorable and sticky.
I will never forget the day that once my son, this was when he was very young, said the F-word instead of truck, right? And he did it unintentionally, it just came out as that word. And everyone that was around him, including myself, went, β right? Because it was shocking to hear a kid say the F word. Now he was saying it completely innocently.
It's just that he mixed up the front of the letter, like he was literally holding a truck in his hand. And because of that reaction, what do you reckon he did? His brain locked on on it and he was like, F-U-C-K, F-U-C-K, F-U-C-K. And he knew that it got a reaction and he started doing it to get that reaction. And I think even though that's a very young child example, I think that sometimes these words have a bit of novelty and they feel a little bit
off limits and they often get a big reaction. And so sometimes they get locked in. So that's locked in in their vocabulary bank and it's got a bit of emotional charge attached to it. It's hard to dislodge this one. Now you add impulsivity on the top and it's gonna come out. Next we have the and this is we're talking about the reasons why we have the attention and reaction. So sometimes not always it gets that big response like I spoke about.
So a big response is dopamine seeking. Remember, we're talking about baiting behaviors and things that get that big reaction. So some children with ADHD may use swearing as a means to gain attention. So not now, this is not, I don't hate the word attention seeking. I hate that because it's not that it's like a brain and body based need. It's not like they they are intentionally trying to be manipulative. It's the brain learns what works.
So worth a moment of honest reflection is swearing getting a bigger reaction than other bids for connection because kids are always and humans are always doing bids for connection. They want that connection with adults, they want that connection with their peers. Now, which one are you paying the most amount of attention to? When they swear, do you turn? Do you give them the eye contact? Do you do that big reaction? Or when they come up next to you and just, you know, like β perhaps.
Put their hand against yours, does that one go unnoticed? So it's worthwhile noting that we probably give our big reactions for some of the more challenging behaviors. And we want to be careful about that and balance it out. So next let's go into the strategies. So before the strategies, we need one reframe to set this all up. Punishment, consequences for swearing, can't fix this, right? It can't.
If it could, we would have all had this sorted by now. You can't punish away executive function challenges. It just doesn't work. We don't if it was as easy as throwing out a consequence, we would all have this figured out. This is a tricky one. Executive function needs support, not punishment. They our kids just do not learn with the stick approach. We have the carrot, we have the stick. They're not learning via the stick.
I don't know. Have you figured that out yet? β it took me a long, long time to figure this one out. They don't tend to learn through punishment because if it was, that's set showing that there was a choice involved. There's no choice here. It is an executive function challenge. So it needs to be supported. They need to have alternative pathways and they need that support rather than β a consequence because a consequence implies that they had the forethought.
or have that impulse control to be able to curb the behavior because they're afraid of the consequence. And that's just not what we're working with here. And that is fine. We've got to work out our alternative pathways. So you have you have to build the skill and reduce the trigger.
So what works? Let's talk about what works. Number one, we need to stay calm, right? Because if we give those big reactions to our gorgeous kids when they are swearing, β we are kind of feeding into the wrong pathway. We need to be chill about it. We need to chill down. and β we also need to be consistent. If you are only reacting to swearing.
When you are out in public, but you don't react at home. That is really confusing messaging for our kids. We just need to be consistent across the board. And that's why having these conversations is so important because you can work out exactly what your strategy is, how you are going to play it, because you're almost always going to have to play a strategy for swearing. And we need to have that what the strategy that feels good for your family locked in so that we can be consistent.
Across the board. And then we also need to understand what's driving it for your child specifically in that situation. We need to view it with compassion because this is a tricky topic. Okay, strategy one do not make the swear word the main event. Big reactions get big reinforcement. So every time you gasp, you lecture, you blow up, you've just made that word more powerful.
The goal is to reduce the charge around it, not increase it. Be careful what you pay big reactions to. It is so easy to make this one about respect. And in my head, whenever my child drops a swear word, I'm like, oh my gosh, I would never have spoken to my parents about that, which makes it about me and it makes it about respect. And that is not what we are.
navigating here. Those things are are not a play when we have kids with ADHD. So what to do instead? We stay flat. Our response is brief. We just say something like, that's not a word we use. Done. Move on. Save the conversation for a calm, connected moment, not in the heat of it. So I love that phrase. That's not a word we use.
Right. It's calm. It's neutral. It's not making it about me. It's not making it about my child. It's not making it about respect. I'm not bringing in the example of when I was raised. Our kids don't care about that because that's not what we're building here. We are trying to support executive function challenges.
So you just say flatly, that's not a word we use.
Okay, here's a script for when things are back to calm, when you are connected and you can see that your child, you have that little green light of connection and they are regulated. You can say something really nice and neutral and not shaming, like, hey buddy, I noticed you said X earlier. I wanna have a quick chat about that, if that's all right. And you might even offer one of the other strategies that I'm about to give you. So strategy two.
is teach replacement words before the moment. Now, when I say teach, I actually mean model. Our kids don't do nothing. And I'm finding it very hard not to swear in this podcast actually because I want to give the examples with the real words. But I'm not because I'm not, I don't want to get that explicit rating. so when I say teach, I mean model
because kids with ADHD need alternative already loaded in, ready to fire words that sound a little bit edgy, and they won't be able to access the new language when they're dysregulated.
So we want to have that modeling coming in. So in our household, there is a lot of F bombs dropping. They're dropping everywhere. It's a war zone in here, right? But what we worked out is that we needed a word to replace the F-word that still sounded a little bit insulty. And it's came out that that felt like the F word. So we actually had came up with the word flip.
Right. So you can say he's being a flip or cut the flip out or whatever, whatever. and so we started replacing our own F words with particularly for my husband, replacing our own F words with the word flip and our kids followed over time. Now it is in our dialogue.
And I think that has been really helpful to give it an edgy word. So we're not saying you can't use a word. We're just slightly altering the word that they were saying all the time. Now that modeling has been more beneficial than any sort of conversation that we could have had about swearing, because our kids are not going to listen to us. Or they might listen to us and they might acknowledge that it's a good idea, but they're not able to access it in that moment. So modeling using an alternative word.
It can be really helpful. Now, if you do want to have a proactive conversation, some kids are open to it, you can say something like, I know sometime things sometimes things feel really big and frustrating. We're going to come up with some alternative words instead. Can you help us? And so you might be able to have that conversation. But personally, I just go in with modeling it. I start incorporating it into our language, and then our kids often follow. And I also have a lot of grace for when they're not able to use that word.
We're just going to redirect to that word. And we're going to use it in our frustration, in our moments. So you might like to let them pick the words. Remember, buy-in matters enormously for ADHD brains. And some families do this with silly words. It's got to sound something a little bit edgy. So, you know, like, β bother, probably ain't going to cut it, right? It's got to sound have a little bit of a satisfying weight to it. So you wanna practice it. You might offer to role play it.
Role playing with kids with ADHD, particularly younger children that aren't teens that think that we're fundamentally uncool, can be a really, really good strategy. So you might say something like, Okay, let's pretend you just lost your game. What are you gonna say? And if you make it fun and silly, that often works in helping cement that word in. Strategy three, we need, and this is perhaps the most important one, we need to work upstream. If you are waiting for the swearing, you are too
Late. We need to reduce β dysregulation overall. So swearing is often the smoke. Okay. It is the smoke that we see. Dysregulation is the fire. If you're only addressing the smoke, you're kind of missing what's causing it. So when does it happen? These are questions I want you to ask yourself. When does swearing happen? Is it during transitions? Is it when I'm trying to make my kid do homework? Is it when they are hungry?
Is it when they are tired? Remember when I spoke about at the start of the podcast? I swear when I am tired and fatigued, I swear when I've got something, you know, bothering me in the background. So we need to ask the same of our kids. Are they hungry? Are they fatigued? Is it often with siblings? Is there a friction point there that needs addressing?
So we know our kids with ADHD have a lower frustration tolerance, which means that they get frustrated easier. So even though from our point of view it might seem they're swearing over trivial little things, for them it actually is a really big moment. And we have to honor that. That is what is going on for them. And we have to honor where they're at with that. And
even if it looked tiny to us, they are experiencing that something that feels big for them. And that's why those swear words are coming out. We want to look for the pattern. Where are they swearing? Is there certain situations where it is all coming out? And if if we can address the trigger, not just the language. Remember, we're going for the fire, not the smoke. So we might have some practical levers that we can pull. So before we if we know that homework and like side note,
Not a huge fan of homework for kids with ADHD. I get my kids out of pretty much all of homework because I just think that they are working so hard to be in that school environment. I am not going to bring battle that is going to sever our connection and make it really hard for us to have an enjoyable family life home when I don't need to.
I'll do assignments, I'll do projects, I'll do those sorts of things, but I'm not gonna like go to town over homework. but is there perhaps some friction points that you have identified that cause those levers that cause those words to come out? That is just a little flag that we need some scaffolding around that to support regulation. So maybe it's something like we do a little bit of outside time before we attempt to do that treacherous homework.
Perhaps they need a snack before we do that big transition that always causes that outburst. Perhaps we need to allow a little bit more time because we're applying rushing energy and that's what causes the swearing. And perhaps we need to have a little bit more transition warning. Often transitions are a hot spot for swearing and for it all to come out. So this is the long game, but it's the one that actually shifts things. We need to support.
We need to put out the fire, not the smoke. Next, strategy four contextual awareness. So help them understand where and when matters. Now, this is super interesting, right? So you can swear with your friends, and that's kind of okay. You swear with grandma, and that's gonna be a bit different, right? So we need to teach our kids.
That there's different contexts for different behaviors, just like you know, that whole inside voice, use your inside voice, which you know, questions about that strategy, but we need they need to understand that there's different contexts to things, and a lot of our kids just genuinely do not register that different environments cause.
Different things. So while when you heard me before saying that we have to stay consistent, we do. Our role is to be consistent, but their role is to understand that different things, different circumstances require different contexts. So some kids genuinely miss this. So perhaps there's different sorts of behavior at home versus school in front of Grandma
these are different things that they just do not understand how their words affect others. And then it's due to their underdeveloped perspective taking skills. So this is not rudeness, this is a a skills challenge. So we need to teach it explicitly. So don't assume that they've absorbed this awareness by osmosis. They just haven't. They do not have this skill yet to understand, or the perspective to understand that.
There's different contexts for things. So we need to support them to learn this. So you might say something, and I remember to say it really neutral. And this is where our consistency matters. So you might say something like, There are words that it might be okay to say in some places, but not others. Let's talk about where words live. You see how nice and neutral that is? That's not you always swear in front of grandma. Like I hate that kind of language. It's like it's accusatory, it's shaming.
So what we want to do is just say something like, let's talk about where words live. You know, like you might be able to say those words with your friends on the basketball court. But you say them in front of like the older generation, there's going to be some questions. Okay. So we're just trying to help them clock that different situations perhaps require a little bit of different language. So
You might be able to swear on the job site with your plumber friends, but you do that at the family dinner. We're gonna have some, you know, we've got to talk about where those words live. So use concrete examples, real scenarios. Whenever we're doing this with our kids, we really want to talk about specifics in their situation. So you can talk about the job site, you can talk about the birthday family dinner, you know, give those real word examples, not abstract rules, because sometimes they just
Do not get that kind of abstract rules. So in closing, let's recap the four strategies. So strategy one, do not make the swear word the main event. It really isn't, right? It is just the smoke. Strategy two, teach replacement words and model replacement words. Strategy three, work upstream, reduce the dysregulation, and you will reduce the swearing.
Strategy four, contextual awareness. Help them understand where and when, because that matters. So if your child swore today, and I can tell you mine did. If your child swore today and you reacted bigger than you wanted to, that is okay. I just want you to reset, view yourself with compassion. No, it is nothing about respect. It is nothing about their feelings for you.
We just try again tomorrow. That's what this looks like. This is our a nice repetition of these strategies can really support your family.
If you would like some more support around this, I would really like for you to reach out to me at [email protected]. I always adore hearing from my beautiful listeners and being able to check in with where you're at. Let me know is this a friction point that your family is currently experiencing?
Perhaps you have an alternative strategy that has worked for you that you would like to share in our big free support group on Facebook. If you go into Facebook and search for the group ADHD Families Village, and if you're if you're looking for the functional family with Sharon Collon, you'll also find it. And join that and share with us what is working for your family for this very, very sticky friction point.
I would love to hear from you. So come in and join us at the ADHD Families Village and share with us what you're taking away from this episode and what strategies that are working for your family. Thank you for listening.
