Episode 85: My Teen with ADHD Won't Try Coaching. Now What?
Host: Sharon Collon
Guest: Kimberley (The Functional Family - Teen Specialist)
Do you have a teenager in your house with ADHD? Buckle up, it's a wild ride. So I know that you might be thinking, oh my gosh, my teen needs to work on their executive function skills. We need to be able to support them, but they might be really reluctant to take advice for you from you or to enlist external supports. So I wanted to record this episode to really be able to.
help you navigate through these murky waters of the teenage years. Perhaps you've tried everything. You've read the books, you've been to appointments, you've sat through the school meetings, you've changed the way you talk to your teen, you've adjusted the routines and you've done the work and your teen is still struggling. So you think maybe they need someone else to talk to. Maybe an ADHD coach can help. And you bring it up carefully, kindly at exactly the right moment and they look at you and say, no, not interested.
Don't need it. I'm fine. And you're left sitting there wondering, what do I do now? Because you can't force them. And you can see how much they need it. Perhaps they need support with social skills. Perhaps they need support with emotional regulation. Perhaps they need support managing all those assignments. You know that. But you also can't stand watching them keep struggling.
If you're there right now, this episode is for you. My name is Sharon Collon. I'm a credentialed ADHD coach and parenting expert and the founder of The Functional Family. I've spent over 20 years working with families with ADHD, and I work with the parents, helping you to understand your child, build better systems in the home, and stop feeling like you're doing this completely alone. But working with the teens directly, hmm. The teens have always needed their own persons.
Someone who is not mom and dad, someone who is not handing out marks or writing reports, someone who meets them exactly where they are, without an agenda, without expectation, without trying to teach them things and without pressure. I found that person and I am so proud to say that she is now a part of the functional family. Her name is Kimberly, and she has just joined us as a teen specialist. She is ADCA trained.
She's a fully qualified ADHD coach and has over 15 years experience in secondary education. She's a mom of three gorgeous kids with ADHD, and she has her own ADHD lived experience. When parents come to me asking about what they should do to support their teen, Kimberly is now the person I send them to. And she has this gift for getting through to teens, being able to connect specifically for those teens that do not.
Really want to go. So today, Kimberly and I are talking about the question I get asked frequently. My team with ADHD will not try ADHD coaching. Now what? How do you get a reluctant teen engaged without forcing it, without bribing, or without making the whole thing a lot worse? By this end of the episode, you will understand why your teen is saying no, what ADHD coaching actually looks like for a young person.
And what exactly to do next if you want to explore this for your gorgeous teenager? Let's get to it.
Sharon Collon (03:12)
Welcome, Kimberly. I am so excited that you're here today.
Kimberley (03:17)
Thank you so much, Sharon. I'm super excited to be here with you. I've been waiting and waiting for this day to come.
Sharon Collon (03:23)
We are going to share so much wisdom. I can't wait to pick your brain about this topic because I know that our beautiful listeners are going have a lot of questions about this one. But before we get started, you are a you've spent over 15 years in secondary education and also you're a mum of three kids with ADHD and you have your own lived experience. How did all of that lead to you doing teen coaching specifically?
Kimberley (03:50)
Yeah, well I think I guess that's kind of all a part of my little story. I think, you know, on my journey and discovering that my my middle little boy, he was diagnosed with ADHD first. and I guess, you know, going through everything that you go through, you know, all of the learning, all of the research, you know, I just went on a deep dive myself, trying to learn as much as I could just to sort of be able to support him.
Yeah, I just really wanted to, I guess, be able to learn as much as I could. And in doing that, I knew that it would also support my teaching as well. Because what I discovered along the way was I'd been teaching, as you said, for over 15 years. And there was so much about ADHD that I still just didn't know. There was just so much more to it. And so it kind of blew me away. and then yeah, along along the way I discovered, you know, that it was probably
know coming from some way of being so hereditary and you know I discovered my own ADHD and then of course began the journey with my other two kids as well. So and I guess in doing that I was really still enjoying my teaching and I love to be a a teacher. but I just felt like it was time for me to take a a little bit of a a shift I think and so I decided to just take some time off from teaching so I could focus a little bit more on my family and
Yeah, along the way I found found the ADHD coaching course. And yeah, what started as just wanting to learn more to support my family and my teaching became I could do this and support more families. And I would have really appreciated that when I was, you know, on that journey early on. And so yeah, I just kind of, I just kind of sparked something in me and I wanted to be able to help as many, you know, families as I possibly could.
Sharon Collon (05:34)
Love that. So tell me in your work with teens, when you were in the classroom, those teens that had ADHD, what did you feel that wasn't being addressed to anywhere else?
Kimberley (05:47)
Hmm, I think that it was
Use a little bit more about
Seeing that some of their behaviors were really misunderstood, you know. And, often some of those behaviors that are actually related to those executive function skills, they can be really like, I guess, mistaken for things like this team just doesn't have any motivation or they're procrastinating, or, you know, I hate this word, but they're just being lazy and trying to avoid their work.
When in actual fact, once I learned as much as I could, I realized that those behaviors that were showing up in a classroom, while they might have looked like that, were actually some skills that really needed to I guess be developed and supported. And so that was what I was really starting to notice. And once I started to, I guess, work on those skills with the kids.
then you were able to see that that so many of the kids in the in the classroom with ADHD were actually able to access and engage in their learning. And wow, what what so many of them could actually show you in the classroom, which you weren't normally able to get out of them, it was just mind blowing to me. So yeah, that was sort of, probably the biggest thing that I was noticing.
Sharon Collon (07:02)
I love that so much. when we're doing, you know, I look at a lot of learning support plans and things like that for work. And, you know, so often we're focusing on the behavior, right? Like, and, you know, there's lots of things in the reports that I look at that are all talking about behavior. But, you know, as you might have heard me mention before, like, that's the smoke. It isn't the fire, right? Like executive function skill support is the fire. That's the thing that we need to really address our attention to.
But we keep focusing on the top level thing, which is the actual, you know, it that's the smoke bit. It's not the part that needs our attention. We've got to look at what's underneath.
Kimberley (07:36)
Yes, yeah, a hundred percent, you know, like that behaviour, you know, I'm sure and I'm sure many, you know, many people talk about this, but that's sort of a form of communication and it's what's on the surface. So it's just about looking a little bit deeper and you know, asking yourself, okay, I'm seeing this behaviour, but what is maybe the skill that might be, you know, underlying here? Yeah, that's sort of the biggest, the biggest thing I think that I look for when I'm, you know, working with my teens.
Sharon Collon (08:02)
So now I want to jump in to what every parent has questions about. So let's talk about for the parent that's listening to this podcast episode right now.
Their teen with ADHD is struggling with school, with friendships, with confidence, and they know their teen needs support. You know, our beautiful parents know that their teens need support. But every time they try and bring up that support, or perhaps they try and support their teen themselves, their teen shuts it down. Why does this happen so often?
Kimberley (08:31)
Yeah, I think it's about looking at where that resistance sort of comes from. and I think it makes complete sense when we understand what it's all about and it's about protection. So they're usually just trying to protect themselves, so I think underneath all of that is sometimes they sort of hear if they were to hear.
you need to go to coaching. I think coaching would be really helpful for you, or I think we need to do this for you. Their instant reaction is resistance because they think, I don't need that, or I'm not doing that. And what's actually going on underneath is actually maybe I'm a bit embarrassed or I'm a bit overwhelmed, or you know what, I don't get what that's even all about. And I feel like you're just trying to.
Fix me. so I don't really trust this. and essentially, one of the biggest things that's underlying is they feel like they're being told what to do and what they need. And not everybody likes to be told what to do, unfortunately. Nobody really does. So I think it that behavior sort of makes sense once we start to understand what that underlying emotion might be.
And so getting curious about that can be really helpful.
Sharon Collon (09:39)
Yeah, that's a great answer, right? Because we know we can often see things from a parent lens and we can see that our child needs support. But if they sense that there's a hidden should in there, like if they think that we're saying you should go to coaching or you know, it just triggers their maybe a little bit of oppositional feelings towards that because they don't want to be told what to do, right? And also the that they're I
One thing I wanted to run past you is a lot of the parents that I've spoken to of teens, perhaps they've had experiences with psychology support before and front door therapies. And perhaps they feel like they don't really understand that coaching is different, that coaching is about the practical skills, that coaching is more of a coach coming alongside you.
And I mean, we absolutely need psychology support for our teens. Like this is not a that, but a lot of our teens don't want to do another one of that. They think they don't understand how coaching is actually different, how it can actually benefit them. Have you found that too?
Kimberley (10:39)
Yes, yeah, definitely. I think actually most of the the teens that I have I guess worked with that have felt a little bit resistant, it is because they have done, lots of different appointments. they go to pediatrician, they've gone to a psychologist, they may have gone to OT, even speech. So they are thinking this is just another thing.
Another thing that I put it in.
Sharon Collon (11:03)
Say you have a teen and you bring up the idea of ADHD coaching, and they're straight away with I don't need a coach, I'm not doing that.
can you tell me what you how a parent should approach the idea of ADHD coaching?
Kimberley (11:16)
Yeah, so I think I think that the best way I forward with that is as as we've just sort of touched on, if we were to approach it by saying you need to go to this, thinking about the way that we engage with them and the way that we communicate with them, I think has a really big impact. So if they hear you need or I want you to go,
I think this would be a great idea. You should try this. They're more likely to be met with resistance. So, you know, I think it would be more beneficial for parents to allow the teen time, you know, pick the time that you have the conversation. That's probably the biggest first step is, you know, measuring their capacity and making sure they're kind of in a in a good space to maybe receive that information first. That's probably the first step. And then I would
be a little bit more curious with it. So hey, I've, you know, I've come across this coaching and I was looking into it and this is kind of what it's all about. I mean, what do you think about that? Do you think that might be something that could be could be helpful? be a little bit more I guess, invitational in the conversation, if that makes sense. And just gauge what what they think about it. And if they do give you a little bit like, yeah, maybe, or
what what's it all about? I guess then a little bit more information about what you think it is. And you know, if you think that that's something you'd be interested in, well, maybe we could look into it together. you know, a little bit more of a conversation. And then sometimes I think it's best to have that conversation and then give them a little bit of time to process and think about it and maybe come back to it another time.
think just allows them to not feel pressured into having to just take action on it, you know, straight away.
Sharon Collon (12:54)
So what sort of things would a teen see you for?
Kimberley (12:57)
teens can see me about so many different things. So I guess with my background in teaching, I think that sort of really, you know, helps me to be able to support them in managing things like their schoolwork, I think their time management, organization. I think the biggest one that teens come to me for, and this is actually can be related to not just schoolwork, but you know.
even at home is probably task initiation. So being able to actually start tasks, they may get homework, they may get assessment tasks, and they kind of just have trouble starting and not sure what's actually getting in the way. So a lot of I guess the foundation stuff that I do with with teens is around helping them to you know activate their brains and what works for them and
Finding some strategies and building on their skills to help them to get started is probably a really big one. But I've also had many teens come to me for support with I think social skills is another big one or emotional regulation as well is also another big one. So yeah, so many different areas that they can come and see me for.
Sharon Collon (14:04)
That was a great answer. It's just great to know what options, like what would be the things that you would work on with a teen? Because for a parent, you know, they're looking at it from all of these different friction points, right? But when you're doing coaching with the teen, it's quite teen led. So you're really going for what the teen wants to work on too. So how do you go balancing that with the parents' priorities? How do you keep that line of communication open?
Kimberley (14:31)
Yes, that it can be really tricky, right? Because I think the the parent is the one who comes across the coaching. And so immediately they're thinking of all of the things that it would help their teen with. and th they're also thinking about the family dynamic. So, you know, if their team was able to get some support for these skills, it might help, you know, within the family dynamic for everybody as well. So they're thinking about those sorts of things and how it might impact.
I guess for everybody. But at the same time, so often what the team wants to work on is different. And so I'm ri I just try to be really open and honest and clear that while ever you have ideas about what you would like your team to work on, if they come to session and it's not something they want to work on, then we can't force that. We can't force that on them, So it's about being guided by the team.
and working with them on what it is they would like to work on. And then there are times where you know the team might say, I'm not actually sure what I want to work on today. And so then I can, you know, have in the back of my mind some of the things that maybe the parent had talked about. And so then I can sort of give them options, perhaps we could talk about this or how do you go with this, you know? So providing suggestions in that respect.
can sometimes be helpful as well. So sometimes you can get a little bit of balance, but it's really about being clear, I think, with the parent that sometimes there will be a bit of a mismatch.
Sharon Collon (15:53)
It's a tricky one to navigate. So tell me when you first meet with a teen and you are you've really got to establish that relationship and rapport early, right? And often your sessions will be via Zoom, right? Most of the time it's via Zoom. And so how do you go about establishing that rapport and letting the teen know that they're safe with you?
how do you go about getting that? I know that you use games as part of your approach. that might surprise some parents. What is that doing to create that safety and that beautiful open environment for the teen?
Kimberley (16:29)
Yeah, so I think every teen is different, right? So I'm really like I can't sort of say exactly how every single session goes because I really am guided by them, if that makes sense. and so I think to start off with, I really just try to acknowledge and validate the fact that maybe they're here because their parents have made them come, you know. So I'm like, you know.
I get it out in the open and be like, is this something you're interested in? Like, not really. Or yeah, Mom made me come or dad made me come, whatever it might be. And I'm like, that's okay. Like, I totally get that. so I try to really start with no pressure. I really try to start with, you know, who I am, what I'm all all about, and try to explain coaching in a bit of a way that is like will make more sense to them. it will resonate with them.
a little bit and see whether or not they'd be on board with it. But also I usually just say like, you know, to start off with, we we don't have to start with goals. We don't have to start with the pressure of you saying, I want to work on this or I want to work on that. So instead I try to focus on just getting getting to know them, you know. So I'd like to explore sort of what they're interested in and what they're passionate about. And so yeah I kind of really like to focus on connection first.
So that's probably the most important part. So through that then, once we start building that, then we can look at things like what's working well, what feels difficult as well. So, and you know, I do have some little activities that I can sometimes do if a teen's open to it, but I do often love to play games as well because they're just they're no pressure. They sort of lower anxiety and they really do build connection quite naturally.
And what I love about them is most most teens really do actually like to play games, you know, ADHD kids and myself included, often pretty competitive and love a good challenge. And so, you know, it kind of gives me a really like great opportunity not to just have a little bit of fun with them and let them see that I'm actually pretty nice, you know.
not as scary as maybe they were thinking and their strengths can really shine through as well. So throughout games you can really see their creativity, some really clever ways that they think critically, a little bit of strategy and then a little bit of humor often comes out. So it's also a really great opportunity, not just for me to see, you know, those strengths, but for for them to see them as well. So it can be a really fun way to to start sessions, that's for sure.
Sharon Collon (18:50)
And I've got to say that what you're doing in these sessions works. I have read your testimonials and I have they are glowing. They are absolutely glowing. And so how you establish that relationship and and I think the the kindness that you show the teens that you're working with and how you also support the parents is incredible. You know, it's really something to be.
proud of because you know you're getting results for families and in in families that are really struggling, and teens that definitely need that support. And as a parent of two teenagers myself, I can't stress to parents how important enough it is to have someone that's not you.
Kimberley (19:32)
You know, like it sucks
Sharon Collon (19:36)
literally trained in this stuff, but it can't be the parent all the time because there needs to be an impartial person that's not involved in other, you know, it's someone that's neutral. And the having someone neutral like you, being able to have that relationship is so important for that teen.
Kimberley (19:53)
Yeah, it is. And as you said, we've got all of the training and I'm happy to share this. And my daughter's happy for me to share this with the audience as well. But she doesn't want help from me. It doesn't matter that I'm a teacher and an ADHD coach and but I'm her mum and she doesn't want my help. So having somebody else. So yes, if we get this type of support for her, she has another coach, you know. And so that's what works for her and that's often what ha works for many teens.
They just want to be able to talk to somebody else about it. and I just, you know, I get it. I'm a teacher. I get what's going on in the classroom. I get what it's like to come home after school and have to manage homework and all of the other things. and I have ADHD myself, so I understand what's often going on in their brilliant little minds. So I just think.
it can be really, really powerful to just have somebody else supporting supporting their team who gets it.
Sharon Collon (20:44)
Mm, love that. So tell me, what is some of the biggest mistakes parents make when they try to get a reluctant teen engaged in support, even when the parents have the best of intentions?
Kimberley (20:57)
Yeah, it is. it can be really tricky because all parents have the best intentions when they're trying to support their teens with things like this. So I think it's just probably something as simple as what we touched on earlier, like just trying maybe to force it or to push it on to a teen is probably what kind of gets in the way. So I think if we
prioritize just connecting with them about about I guess maybe what it's all about and maybe what would be in it for them. You know, what they would actually get out of it. And stay a little bit curious. I think that that sort of really helps them to have a little bit more ownership over the whole process and they're often a little bit more open to it.
Sharon Collon (21:37)
And how do you manage confidentiality? Cause I imagine the teens are talking to you about things that are private, right? So how do you navigate that when you're checking in with the parents also?
Kimberley (21:47)
Yeah, so I basically am really clear with parents and teens that it is a confidential space. So anything that the teen speaks to me about, I'm not going to go back and tell mum or dad every single thing that they they've spoken about. but in in saying that, it's also really important that their safety is the most important part. So if a teen was to disclose something to me that
put their safety or their health or somebody else's sort of at risk and that I felt concerned about, then that is something that I'm really clear to them that I would be sharing with the parents. Or more likely I'd be trying to invite that conversation with the teen, with the parents as well. So parents can rest assured that I've got, their child's health and safety is at the forefront of my mind. And that's the most important part.
Really. So at the same time, I want to protect their autonomy as well. It's a space for them to be able to just be who they are without without the worry that I'm going to go back and share everything we've spoken about. So the teen really does get to choose what it is that they talk to and let their parents know. And we kind of will you know, agree on that. So I'll I'll be asking the team, what would you like to share with mum or dad about what we're working on?
And it will be really led by them.
Sharon Collon (23:04)
Love that. Okay, so for a parent, you know me as a coach, like I'm so results focused, right? Like my brain always goes to okay, how are we going to get you there? Like, what targets are we going to hit? And you know, that works very well for me because I work with parents, right? So we can we can really track that. But when you've got this relationship of navigating the teen, the confidentiality, and you've got a parent who's paying for the sessions, right? How do you go about?
Checking in about targets and goals with the parent and, making sure that they're getting what they came for.
Kimberley (23:34)
Yeah, I think in terms of sort of tracking like progress and communicating those sorts of things, I think it's important for parents to realise that sometimes they'll be coming for strategies, but sometimes the most important takeaway for a team might actually be a little new insight, or it might be a shift in perspective, or it might be that they come and they feel understood and supported.
and then in that respect, then there are actual changes that you can see. you start to see there's a little bit more greater self-awareness within the team. their confidence grows a little bit more, they have a better understanding about their brain as well and how and what works for them. So, and then that's when we start to see.
Some of the actionable sort of strategies and things being put into place. And they have a bit more of a clear focus ahead. So I think communicating with the parent that it does take time sometimes to form the relationship to be able to get to those actionable strategies. But at the end of the day, what we do want to walk away with is a bit of an action plan, I guess.
for the teen to have to try to be putting into place. And so those are usually the things that we'll try, I'll be trying to ensure we communicate with the parent because often they need to sort of be in the background, being a little bit of a supporter, you know, just there in case the teen sort of needs them. So I think as much as I can, I like to try to keep in touch with the parent about the progress that we're making in a way that still respects
respects the teen. Some of the things that I often like to use is I sometimes use little measuring scales as well to sort of help them track their progress. You know, where we were at the beginning for this particular skill we're working on, to how we're feeling after we've tried it, you know, for a couple of weeks. And also just checking in with the parent too as well to see from their perspective how things are going with team
from time to time as well. So, but I do think it's really important that we start with, I guess, you know, a really small step. So trying to identify some, what we call the low-hanging fruit. So some skills, you know, the teen, it's kind of almost got mastered that we can start early with, start small, get some wins on the board so that they can really see the value in the coaching process. And once
Once we've sort of done that and we can build some momentum, then we start to see some of the, I guess, sort of the bigger the bigger areas being able to be developed as well.
Sharon Collon (25:57)
it's so important, right? Because how often are we working when I work with a parent and we workshop a strategy and the parent says, Oh my gosh, I wish someone had told me this when I was younger. Right. They they have this revelation that they wish they had have had either that system or that skill when they were younger, but you're there on the ground doing it for the kids that are younger to spare them a lot of the hardship or a lot of the
negative self-talk, you know, to to try and protect them from that. It's just such important work.
Kimberley (26:27)
Yeah,
They can really benefit our kids in so many different ways. So I feel like the earlier we can start, the better.
Sharon Collon (26:34)
I often work with the parents to support them with scaffolding in the moment and around the home and everything. it becomes
very hard. And all of a sudden the parents are now they're not like they're not cool at all and the teen won't listen to them. so you're navigating a very nuanced space. It's very, very tricky for parents to go this one alone, I think.
Kimberley (26:54)
Yes, yeah. I think more and more parents are realizing that this is the point where that my teen is at. They don't want to listen to me. So I thought maybe this might be something that could be really helpful for them.
And they're absolutely right. It's a completely natural part of being a teenager. You know, they're starting to want a little bit of autonomy. They want to be able to do things themselves. they will. They'll come back around eventually, but this particular point in time, they really want to figure things out on their own and they just get sick of mum and dad telling them what to do all the time. That's okay. It's hard, it is very hard.
but it is a really natural process. So I think being a engaging in some coaching can be really helpful, not just for the teen, but also for the parent to be able to discover some ways to sort of collaborate and communicate with their team in ways that will be met with less resistance.
Sharon Collon (27:49)
can you share what it looks like when coaching starts to work for a teen who came in reluctant? What changes first?
Kimberley (27:57)
Yeah, so it is actually I feel like I probably did touch on this already, but it is actually more the internal changes. So I think this is probably a really important part of it, is that the behavior change does take a little bit of time and it can't really happen without knowledge and awareness. So once
Yeah, once a teen starts to become a little bit more aware and have a little bit more knowledge and understanding about the way that their brain works, so that they can start to work with it instead of fighting against it, then you start to see you know, a little bit more awareness and it and a lot more confidence in being able to, I guess, sort of try to move forward. So I feel like sometimes
it can be hard for parents because they do want to see instant sort of behavior change. and it can be tricky because we do see that inconsistency with ADHD, is that we do see, we've got some behaviour change happening here. Yes, they're on track, yep, they're great. And then there'll be times when the the strategy wears out. And the the novelty of it, you know, it's pretty important to the way our brains work. So
Think that can be a little bit tricky in that respect because things need to be recycalized all the time. And that's okay, because that's once we have an awareness of that, then we can go, all right, this strategy is no longer working. Let's try a new one. It's time to freshen it up. So I think confidence and awareness is usually the first thing. And then over time, once you know, once we start to realize that.
Then we start to see teams putting more strategies into place and being more confident in trying to do so. So I think that's probably when it really starts to happen. So and I think parents will often notice things like a little bit less resistance. a little bit more open kind of willing conversation. So
yeah, it's pretty cool once you start to see those things.
Sharon Collon (29:48)
I love that you mentioned that. And so, you know, from a parent point of view, I want my kids to just to not let the challenges of life knock them over, right? I just want them to go, I've got a different brain. How can I make this work for me? Like how can I make it work for how I work? And that is exactly what you're providing that space and that safe space and the and experiments so that they can discover that. It's such a powerful thing.
Kimberley (30:13)
Yeah, and I think you really, I mean that word experiment, it's the whole the whole process is about experimenting. You know, we'll come up with some different strategies to try to support them. We'll give them a try. They may, they may work and it might be might be wonderful. and they may not, but that then opens up the door for us to, I guess, explore why those strategies weren't working. And and usually then teams are able to come up with a new path forward. And that is really exciting.
because the truth is they have the answers. They know themselves best. They really do. And so that's what team what I love about team coaching. it's about them. And it's about them finding the strategies that will work best for their little brains. So yeah, that's what I love about it.
Sharon Collon (30:56)
Kimberly, thank you so much for being here today. I am so, so happy that you are a part of the Functional Family team and that you are here doing this work. If you are listening to this podcast live on release date, we have a special offer. Please go to the show notes. It is available until the 31st of July. but jump in. If you want to support your teen and you want to use Kimberly services, please don't hesitate. Jump in because she's gonna book out really, really fast. And
You know, please reach out if you have any questions about supporting your gorgeous teen. Thank you, Kimberly, for your time.
Kimberley (31:32)
It is my absolute pleasure. Thank you so much for having me. I've loved it.
