When Your Ex Doesn't Believe in ADHD: How to Advocate for Your Child Across Two Homes

You can see it. The chaos that follows your child from room to room. The meltdowns after school. The days they can't get through the gate. The way they come home flat and tell you they're just bad at everything.

You've read the research. You've spoken to the GP. You know an assessment would help.

And the other parent says no.

Maybe they don't believe ADHD is real. Maybe they think you're overreacting, or that medication is a cop-out, or that your child just needs firmer boundaries at your place. Either way, you're advocating for your child on your own, across two houses, while carrying most of the load.

I'm Sharon Collon, a PCC Credentialed ADHD Coach and Parenting Consultant and mum of three boys with ADHD. I've supported over 40,000 families, and disagreement between parents about ADHD comes up constantly, whether parents are together or separated. [Add your own story: navigating different views on medication in the wider family at the start]

I sat down with Carolyn Tate, former parenting journalist, late-diagnosed ADHDer and founder of Women's Divorce Academy, to talk about exactly this. Carolyn has helped close to a thousand women through separation, and she spent two and a half years getting her own daughter assessed and supported while her ex-husband wasn't on board.

Why do so many parents disagree about an ADHD diagnosis?

ADHD brings up more disagreement in families than almost anything else I see.

Some parents grew up when ADHD meant a hyperactive boy bouncing off the walls, so a daughter who is disorganised, emotional and creating chaos in every room doesn't fit their picture. Some carry fear about medication. Some see their own childhood in the diagnosis and aren't ready to look at it.

Carolyn's ex is a scientist, so she sent him studies and statistics, hoping the evidence would land. It didn't. The goalposts kept moving. First he didn't think their daughter had ADHD. Then he didn't want her assessed. When she was diagnosed anyway, he challenged the paediatrician so strongly that the practice declined to keep treating her.

Disbelief often comes from fear, or from a parent who hasn't recognised the same traits in themselves. Knowing that won't change their mind. It might help you stop taking it personally, and that frees up energy for your child.

What do I do if my ex won't agree to an ADHD assessment?

Carolyn's advice is simple: stop trying to convince them, and put your child at the centre of every decision.

"I realised I was not going to convince him," she told me. So she drew a line.

That looks like:

Be clear about your next step. "I'm booking an assessment. I'd love you to be part of it. If you don't want to be, I'll go ahead."

Invite, don't negotiate. Give the other parent the dates, the information and the option to come. Then follow through, whatever they decide.

Take the professionals' lead. Your paediatrician, psychologist or GP is your evidence. You don't need to win the argument at home.

Keep your child out of the middle. They don't need to know what's happening between the adults. They need to know you're getting them help.

Carolyn calls it Brené Brown's "clear is kind" approach. Not a threat. Just certainty about what you're doing and why.

What if we can't agree on medication?

This is where disagreement often becomes a wall, because many treatment decisions need both parents' agreement.

When Carolyn reached the treatment stage, her ex still wasn't on board. She spoke to a family lawyer and prepared documents to ask the court for sole responsibility for her daughter's health decisions. Before she filed, he agreed.

His last concern was side effects. Once their daughter started medication, he never raised it again.

Every family and every legal situation is different. If you're stuck, get advice from a family lawyer about your options rather than guessing. And as Carolyn points out, never take legal or financial advice from your ex. They're not a neutral party.

This article shares general information and lived experience, not legal advice.

Should both homes have the same rules for a child with ADHD?

In an ideal world, yes. If you and your ex can sit down over coffee and agree on bedtimes, screen time and how handovers work, wonderful. Do that.

For many separated families, that conversation isn't possible. Carolyn and her ex parallel parent: he parents his way, she parents hers, and they don't work together. "That's just the best that we can do," she says.

Her advice is to focus on what you can control. "Consistency in one house is all you can do."

Your child already moves between different sets of rules every day. School has its own. Nan's house has its own. Their sports coach has their own. They have reps on the board for adapting. As Carolyn put it, kids with ADHD are often more adaptable than we give them credit for, because they've had to be.

How do I help my child move between two homes?

[Image here | File name: adhd-packing-list-two-homes.jpg | Alt text: Picture-based packing list on a fridge for a child with ADHD moving between two homes]

Transitions are hard for the ADHD brain, and handover day is a transition stacked on a transition. Build a system so your child isn't relying on memory or mood.

Carolyn kept a packing list on the fridge. When her kids were small it was pictures, later it was words. Every handover morning: "Have you checked your list?"

A simple handover system includes:

• A visual packing list in the same spot every time
• A bag packed the night before, not the morning of
• A predictable handover routine, with the same time and the same place where possible
• A soft landing when they come back to you: food ready, low demands, no debrief at the door

Then comes the hard part. Once they're at the other house, Carolyn decided it was none of her business. She made sure her kids knew they could come to her if they were struggling. Beyond that, she let it go.


Mum sitting with her child with ADHD packing a bag for the other parent's house

Here's a question worth sitting with: how much of your energy goes into trying to change what happens at the other house, and what would shift if you put that energy into your own home instead?

How do I look after myself when I'm carrying most of the load?

When Carolyn's marriage ended, she had three children, a part-time job and a business to build. She was up at 4am writing the news, doing school drop-off, then working a full day. "It was white knuckle," she said.

The thing she'd tell her past self: ask for help. She didn't tell the school. She didn't tell most of her friends. She didn't ask her daughter's ballet teacher for a payment plan. "There's no prizes for being a martyr in this situation."

What helped:

Bring the kids on board. Her four-year-old learned to pack her own kindy lunchbox. Jobs went on lists on the fridge, and they worked as a team.

Drop what nobody notices. She stopped ironing school uniforms years ago. Nobody has noticed. Breakfast for dinner once a week became a family favourite.

Check in, don't tick off. She set herself a daily meditation goal and realised ticking it off didn't make her calm. Real self-care was asking, "What do I need right now?" and listening to the answer.

Stop wearing busy as a badge. If you're that busy, it means you need help.

Many women Carolyn works with find their capacity goes up after separation, not down. They were already doing most of it. Now there's nobody to negotiate with.

Is divorce bad for children with ADHD?

This is one of the biggest fears Carolyn hears. Decades of cultural messaging tell us divorce damages children.

Her answer: "It's not divorce that's bad, it's living in conflict that is bad." Research consistently backs this up. Ongoing conflict between parents is harder on children than the separation itself.

The first year can be a tough adjustment, especially for kids with ADHD who find transitions hard. Over time, many mums find their relationship with their children gets closer.

The night Carolyn's ex moved out, he took much of the furniture. She and the kids slept on cushions on the lounge room floor, ate pizza and watched TV. Her children still remember it as one of their favourite nights.

When Women's Divorce Academy surveyed members twelve months after separation, every single one said they wouldn't go back.

How does the rest of the family fit into this?

When you're advocating for one child across two homes, it's easy for everything to revolve around the disagreement. The appointments. The emails. The back and forth.

A whole-family approach brings the focus back to your home:

• Your child with ADHD has systems that make your home predictable
• Siblings know the handover routine too, and have their own part in it
• You have support around you: friends, neighbours, school, professionals
• Your energy goes into what you can influence, not what you can't

You can't run two households. You can make yours the place where your child feels understood.

Where do I start if I'm separating and my child has ADHD?

Start with support, not Google. As Carolyn says, Googling divorce will send you into a spiral, and much of what you find won't apply in Australia.

• Get proper legal advice early, from a family lawyer, not your ex
• Tell the people who can help: the school, close friends, neighbours who could do a school run
• Find one trusted place for information. Carolyn's Women's Divorce Academy [add link] has expert interviews, templates and scripts for hard conversations
• Get ADHD-informed support for your parenting, so the systems at your place hold even when things are hard

You can hear my full conversation with Carolyn on Episode 92 of the ADHD Families Podcast [add episode link]. You might also find Episode 77: Should I Medicate My Child? helpful.

Planning school holidays across two homes

School holidays are where two homes get tested most. More handovers, less structure, and a child whose brain runs on routine.

In my live workshop, Create a School Holiday Plan for Your ADHD Family, we build your plan together: your daily rhythm, your activity jars and a screen time approach the whole family can live with. Whether your child is with you for the whole break or half of it, you'll leave with a plan that works in your home.

Tuesday 10 November, 1.00pm to 2.00pm AEDT, live on Zoom. $97, with 3 months of replay access.

Save your spot for the School Holiday Plan workshop →